CHAPTER/EXTRACT #1 WHY THINGS VANISH AND THEN APPEAR AGAIN by Clark Gwent You know when you have looked for something all over the house and it's not there and you are saying "oh bugger where did I put that?"? And then you find it somewhere you have already looked? There is a simple explanation for this: time travel is subtly disrupting our everyday lives, even now. You will also be familiar with the phenomenon of when you drop something, and ends up either much further away than you would expect it to be, or else vanishes altogether. We’ve all had these things happen, there’s no denying it. Yet science ignores these phenomena altogether. (See my article in TorfaenTimes “Dropping Things And The Anthropic Principle”). To sum up: I believe science is ignoring certain physical phenomena, which occur when we drop things. This is because they are jealous of me because I have worked it out and they haven’t. They can’t face up to the fact that a schmuck like me can have come up with brilliant theories such as these. Read a few physics books, some Celtic mythology, some science fiction and A bit of Alestier Crowley, and you too will come to the same conclusions as I: 1) PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY VISITING US FROM THE FUTURE! WE DO NOT NOTICE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE KEPT IN CHECK BY AN ORGANISATION CALLED THE FRIEND POLICE! 2) THE FRIEND POLICE ALSO REPAIR RIFTS IN SPACE CAUSED BY ROGUE TRAVELLERS! 3) BY THE 25THE CENTURY, THE FRIEND POLICE WILL HAVE MANIPULATED THE TIMESTREAM WITH SUCH THOROUGHNESS THAT THE CITIZENS OF THAT LONG-OFF ERA LIVE IN A WORLDWIDE SOCIALIST UTOPIA! 4) THE MANIPULATION OF TIME IS POSSIBLE USING A PROCESS COMBINING TANTRIC MASTURBATION AND GENETICALLY MODIFIED CANNABIS! 5) THE COMMONLY HELD BELIEF THAT “If Time travel is ever going to exist, it already does”, DESTROYED, AND WHY THIS IN NO WAY INVALIDATES POINTS 1 THRU 4! 6) WHY MALE HOMOSEXUALITY DOESN’T EXIST IN THE 25TH CENTURY! 7) A LIST OF OCCUPATIONS THAT NO LONGER EXIST IN THE 25th CENTURY! 8) THE APES THAT WALK LIKE CHICKENS!